|
A Good Life:
Positive
Psychology Perspectives
Every
responsible parent wants to help their child find a path to “A Good
Life”. Positive psychology has something to offer. In positive psychology, we say the good life is happy
and successful. A happy and successful life is one where were we can
engage our strengths to make a difference that is meaningful and
rewarding. To find a good life, children must feel the joy that comes
from hard won successes and the unpleasant sting of regret that can
follow bad decisions. In pursuit of a good life, a child’s emotions are a
compass. This “emotional compass” can lead us to and from the path. The
ability to use emotional information correctly can lead to a rewarding
and meaningful line of work, physical and mental health, as well as
satisfying relationships with our friends and loved ones. Accurate and rich emotional awareness can provide us
with insights that are more meaningful and useful than mere rational
thinking can provide. But, emotional instability can mislead us and
result in relationship problems, misguided efforts and a confused sense
of purpose in life. There are five important emotional skills. 1.
Correct experience of emotions.
Many children, because of medical conditions or psychological trauma, do
not experience emotions that are necessary, healthy and understandable.
For example, children with bipolar spectrum disorders cycle between
elevated, depressed, irritable and mixed moods. Children who suffer
psychological trauma learn how to disconnect, avoid and escape feelings.
Most children are born with the ability to experience emotions correctly 2.
Correctly imagine how others feel.
Some children know how they feel but cannot observe and imagine how
other people feel. There are actually brain cells called “mirror
neurons” that give people the ability to feel and sense what other
people experience. Children with autistic spectrum disorders may have
damaged or fewer mirror neurons. Children who have been traumatized do
not fully develop their ability to imagine how others feel. Most
children not only have the ability but improve on this ability when they
are raised correctly and in a positive manner. 3.
Understand emotions. There
are reasons why people feel the way they do. Like primary colors, there
are 4 primary emotions; mad, sad, glad and scared. These emotions allow
us to understand each other and what is important in life. For example,
brothers have a common sadness when the mother they love dies. Children
become very confused when they feel emotions and see emotional behaviors
that don’t make sense. Parents, family and friends teach children the
meaning and reason we feel the way we do. In a functional family,
children will learn how and why people feel the way they do. 4.
Manage our emotions. Learning
to manage our emotions is more difficult than escaping and avoiding
them. Escape and avoidance leads to addiction, reactivity and bad
habits. To manage their emotions, children must learn how to calm their
body and to tolerate their feelings while they learn from them. A
child’s emotional control weakens if always they give their emotions
immediate control over their thoughts, words and actions. Parent who
confront children repeatedly for “problem” behavior will soon discover
that their child will either disconnect from their feelings or begin to
act out their feelings in impulsive, thoughtless or destructive ways.
Keep in mind that even the worst children are great over 80% of the
time. 5.
Use our emotions to shape our
thoughts and actions. Emotions are healthy when they provide
information and inspire us. They become problems when they start to rule
a child’s behavior and control others. Healthy children can feel an
emotion, describe it, understand, share it and use this information to
guide their thinking and actions. Emotions are something that children
need to learn how to use rather than allow their emotions to push and
drag their behavior Children feel better and need to learn how feelings
can guide decisions and lead to a more engaged, meaningful and rewarding
life. Children will feel less alone and recover from “upsets” if they
safely share unpleasant experiences and emotions. Children feel better
and gain self-confidence when they can share challenging experiences and
positive emotion consequences. Teaching Emotional Skills So how can parents increase their child’s emotional
intelligence as well as their ability manage and regulate their
emotions? The first good way it is be a good example. Admit what
you feel and what your behavior demonstrates. In other words, don’t act
angry, irritable, sad or afraid and tell your child you aren’t. If you
are too upset at the time, or don’t know how you feel, tell you child
later when you are not so upset. While you should not burden your child
with adult problems, it can help if they understand what feeling they
see and discover that it is o.k. to talk about it. Be sure to tell you
child how you feel when you are feeling better and tell them why. Good
examples of “why” include (1) just accepting your feelings, (2) talking
with people who understand, (3) taking care of yourself, (4) giving it
time and (5) finding a solution. The second good way is to help your child talk about
their feelings. There are 5 questions that can help them open up. What happened?
How do you feel? Why do you think you feel (or someone else
feels) that way? What do you want to happen? How can I help? Don’t pressure your child to answer these questions
all at once. In fact you can raise these questions over time. It can
take time for a child to discover an answer.
Copyright 2008, Michael G. Conner |